Disorder in a Dress

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 Everyone always tells me to just move on, and when you look back on it, just remember the good times, the laughter, and the happiness.

But everytime I look back on it, that's all I ever remember.

 I've given up caring, if we are together or not. 
Don't get me wrong, I still wish we could be together.
But I'm mostly just concerned with you.
I've always cared too much, but I just want to know if you're okay.

Every night I go to bed, crying, because I want him back so badly.
Every night I dream that we are still together, I am happy with him
and I'm sure that if you saw me sleeping, I would be smiling.
Every morning I wake up, happy, ready to face a new day, we are ready to face a new day.
Every morning I realize that those dreams were not reality, but facade, expectations, and memories.
Every morning I have to force myself out of bed just to keep going, with some sort of crazy idea that one day I will be happy again, and that maybe, maybe e can even be together again.
Every day I walk through my day just hoping to go to sleep again,
and that maybe he has these same feelings and dreams too, so it doesn't have to be like this anymore.

 "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Lies.

 Now back to the old ways of being lost and misunderstood. Loving boys who are not boys, but men. And best of all, the one thing that made me content with my life, those things that make me forget.

Sarah, you're a stupid, stupid, naiive, little girl.

There's war and hate in the world because of beliefs. Well, here are some of my beliefs...
 
Death should be the only time one must say goodbye.
You shouldn't have to marry someone in order for them to realize how much you love them.
Love is so delicate yet still so strong that you shouldn't need a piece of legal literature to make it last.
Yes, love comes with it's ups and downs. But cheating on someone isn't love. Knowing that it's wrong to cheat, and even though you are so tempted to, you don't, that is love. Knowing that its wrong, not because of the connotation of the act, but the fact that you can't imagine ever being with anyone else.
Temptation isn't love, it is little bumps in relationships.
You can't go from loving someone so much one second, to not loving them at all, the next.
You never get over things, they just sort of stray to the back of your mind. Popping out every now and then, to give you a wake up call.
Just telling someone that you love them doesn't mean a thing. Especially when every so often you say you're going to do one thing and you never do it, but then you say you are going to do another thing instead.
I'm sorry that this had to happen, or that nothing ever happened of it. 
I believe that this sucks.

 Thank you for continuing to hide things from me and then otherwise putting no interest in this relationship at all. FML. I don't want to go home.

 I don't understand. I just plain, do not understand. Your attitude and your rudeness really just erks me sometimes. A lot of the times. No, just to night. Especially. I don't understand why you would say such a thing like that and not expect me to be angry about it. This trip is good. This space is good. No matter how much I try to convince myself it isn't. But maybe we can just forget about each other. Or at least, forget about our expectations of each other. I don't expect you to stay attach to me 3,000 miles away. I want this. I want you. But I don't want you like this.

 I feel like the most miserable girl in the world. And it sucks that I can't tell you that without getting frustrated with me. I think this afternoon, I really did convince myself that we would be okay if we were no longer together. And now that we're back together, I'm crying. I thought I wanted to be with you. I just, I guess it sucks because you've always had all your friends all over you. It always bothered me. Just hop off, it's so annoying. But it's okay. It's what makes me think that you will be okay without me. I don't want to be the only one miserable. But I always am. I always am.

 I've discovered a new type of diet: looking up recipes of the food you are craving the most, which, for me, just happens to be macaroni salad, and pretending you can taste it! It really works. Promise.

ps. the first Kings of Leon album is my favorite. but the second one is so good live.

 We've been together for however long and sometimes I think you're still afraid to touch me. Either that or you just don't want to. But I'd rather have the former. It still sucks.

Bear baiting is my favorite sport.

If I had a really nice camera, I would take pictures of you. A lot of pictures. Its obviously not the same, as she beat me to it?
These past couple of weeks, I have felt the worst I have ever had. I feel like I can't comprehend anything at all anymore.
What's right? What's wrong? I don't think you know either. I'm not going to deny that I have been looking for everything little
thing that you do that upsets me. But why shouldn't I? I love you a lot though. Only you. And no one else.

Hi, this is me. Bye.

I want to meet someone who will at least try to fix me and love me all the same.

Why is that so difficult to find? You wonder why I have trust issues. It's because I've been lied to all of my life. And you did it all over again. I guess I just never figured it would end in an aim conversation.

How can someone like a person so much but completely despise nearly all of their friends?
Don't they make you who you are? Your friends? Your friends and your family?
Well, I hate them all.

Hey, it's been a while. I honestly have no idea what this next year will bring. No idea. And I'm slightly terrified.
Last year finished pretty terribly, and I'm just going to flat out say it started pretty terribly too. Between us. And I don't like it one bit.
I'm sorry.